How does it feel like to spend every existing moment of your day avoiding something? More accurately avoiding your source of phobia that is taking over your everyday life without you even noticing it until it already took over. You stop going to the beach or the park. You don't go outside the house in the morning in general and if you do, you don't stop looking around anxious and in fear. You stop going to the toilet in your house because the freaking bird is close to the toilet area and you don't wanna be anywhere near that. You abandoned going to the leaving room at all cost and sometime even the dinning room as that is where he, and by he I mean the bird even thought it is a she, lives in.
At university you avoid taking early morning classes. Not only because you do not want to wake up early, but also because it is physically painful to walk near the trees and flowers around the parking area or when you are going from one building to another as I know birds are usually there. There is a really nice lake in my university. I have set there just couple of times only. Even though it looks magnificent in the morning and I wish I can stay there sometime, but I know I will feel super uncomfortable looking around like a weirdo checking if there is any birds around and it is tiring and just not worth it.
We have parking spots in front of our home and I used to take the third parking spot away from the house door. But I was so scared from birds as they would hide around the car. I ended up having to have someone to take me outside to my car every single day, because I felt very uncomfortable and I could not handle it anymore. So I finally asked my mom if it is okay for me to take her parking spot which is the first one. She was okay with it. That solved one tinny thing in this whole problem.
When it comes to my workplace, the same issues happen all the time. The birds stay near the street outside the building where I work. Sometime work can be stressful specially when I need to work early. By early I mean anytime I know I will find birds there.
But aren't we all scared of animals? Yeah, maybe. I mean, I am scared of cats and I don't like dogs and I only handle an ant on the ground. But when it comes to birds, it is very different. I am not just scared of birds. I have phobia of birds. I hate them from the deepest bottom of my heart. I don't think anyone could hate anything as much as I hate birds. And no, i don't think you can "fix" me. Exposing me to birds will fix nothing other than making me scared and cry for a bit exactly right now.
The last time I traveled was when I finished high school on the summer before starting university. Well, that is not fully correct. I toke the JLPT test in Egypt and that was the last time. But I didn't really go anywhere other than to Cairo university to take the test which was still uncomfortable as I asked the sensei if it is okay to close the window, because "it is cold" which is a lie. As I wanted the window to be closed. I could not handle the thought of a bird getting in while hearing their noises outside. Before you say "Oh chill dude! That will never happen", you are a liar. That happened to me in middle school and I jumped out of the class saying " I am not getting in unless the bird is out". And no, that was not the "trauma" that happened to me that caused me to be scared of birds. I was always scared of them since I was four year-old and maybe even younger.
You see, being scared of something as a kid is cute like "Aww she is scared of the cat" or "Aww get the dog out of here she doesn't like it". As a little kid people empathize with you when you are scared of something. They would want to help you. They will walk first so the birds will fly so you can walk. But as you get older, you noticed that people start treating or at least seeing you differently. "Oh grow out of it kido" or "Even your little brother/sister is not scared of that".
You reach a new hard level in your phobia journey which we can call "being out by yourself facing your darkest fear". Back to the summer before university (Two years ago) and the"last" time I traveled. That summer we traveled to Turkey. Don't get me wrong turkey is a beautiful country, but it was by far the worst place I have ever been to for several reasons that we will not discuss at this moment. Let us just discuss the part of turkey that is related to phobia and me. Thanks god I forgot most of the things related to that trip. I think forgetting stuff is a blessing from god. One of the few things that I remember from that trip is
A: Change in plan. We are not going to a museum. We are going to a park!
Shouq: What do you mean we are going to a park? It is morning! There will be a lot of birds. I can't go to a park. I told you before to tell me if we are ever going to a park as I would stay in the hotel as I do not want to go to a park!
Majority wins. Democracy.
At the park, they are buying tickets. I am the weird kid you see in a park looking around with a very scared eye trying to look at all directions at the same time. Trying to catch every single flying birds around and capture it with my eyes. They are all going around the park enjoying the beautiful mini building of landmarks or something. I don't remember much of that as I was just them to hurry. (Note: I am happy that they enjoyed their time. Just because I feel certain way about certain stuff doesn't mean they need to stop living their life. Another reason why we do have a bird or birds at home.)
After that they ended up going to an open restaurant food thingy in the park and Oh god that was very bad. The birds were under the table, on the table, around the chairs, near the lake that is near that open restaurant. God that was the worst. At that exact moment literally I knew that it is annoying for people to have a person around them who have phobia. I did not eat or drink anything the whole time we were there. Wait no! I ate something! It was my scared breath.
I don't like turkey. It is filled with birds. It is just not my place what so ever. God bless anyone who has phobia of birds in Turkey.
I know having phobia sucks so bad not for you. But as I grasped the fact that it affects people around me too when my little brother, who loves birds so, so much, came to me and asked, "Shouq is it okay for you if I bought a bird and brought it home?". I will just end the conversation regarding phobia with that request.
B.S.: The only reason I am editing this right now is because the bird at home literally just attacked my room. Yup, It is an attack. No need to sugar coat it or anything just because it coming from a bird.
Peace everyone,
Shouq